Have yourself a multi-emotion Christmas
*Trigger warning: grief*
How are you feeling? I know this time of year can be tough when you are missing someone.
My Mum died on 23rd December. I joke that it was most inconvenient of her to pop off so near to the big day. Her funeral was on New Year’s Eve too, so that was also a bugger.
I was 19 and I felt very lost without her. In fact, as I only met Mr Jen when I turned 40, I felt displaced for years at Christmas without a partner and kids… I was very grateful to join in my sister’s family’s celebrations, but it wasn’t the same as having a family of my own. Because surely when I did that would take the pain away?
I assumed you see, that when I was safely nestled within my own little unit, I would bounce right back into the festive spirit. That missing Mum wouldn’t feel as sharp. But the reality is that I am still a big hotchpotch of all sorts of conflicting emotions.
I feel so lucky to be with my husband and my little girls. Oh my word, I can’t tell you how incredibly lucky I know I am. And I love finding the gifts that will make their faces light up. I’m even vaguely amused by the manic state of excitement that’s turning my eldest into a proper pilchard this week.
But I have never got that pure, unadulterated joy of Christmas back. And you know what, I’ve realised this year that that’s OK. I don’t have to be one way or another.
I don’t have to be the Grinch (something I wore almost as a badge of honour for a long time). I also don’t need to wear Christmas pudding earrings and declare my love for everything merry and bright (well done by the way if you do wear novelty earrings, they really do make people smile). I don’t have to jolly myself along or feel bad about having a good time when I hit pockets of fun.
I can just be me. I can be a mixture. And I can be kind to myself by letting people around me know where I’m at, at any given point between now and 1st January.
So my simple message to you today is: look after yourself. If you have lost someone, Christmas (with all its expectations and socialising) can make the hole in your heart feel bigger. But I promise you will get through.
Your obstacle course through the festive season may be easier to tackle if you let yourself do whatever emotion comes up. If you are sad, ask for a hug. And if hugs aren’t your thing, then ask for some space and perhaps some extra pigs in blankets. And if you are having a good day, do your best to enjoy the lightness and let the guilt go.
Sending you lots of love, squeezes and sausages wrapped in bacon,
Jen x
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