Calling all lost Mums - you CAN find yourself again
I read something online recently that made me fume. A blogger was brave enough to talk about losing her identity since she’s had kids. She put it all out there… to get a less than understanding response:
‘I think this is a really sad post. I don’t understand why you see being a mum and being you as two different things. You chose to have children. This is now ‘you’.’
Whoa there. It’s not as simple as that. Yes, logically of course she is the same person, sure from the outside she may only look like a slightly amended version (perhaps covered in mashed banana). But on the inside she doesn’t FEEL like herself.
I didn’t either. I had two girls 14 months apart in my early forties. I gained the family I’d longed for but lost myself somewhere along the way. So I get it.
I’d always worked, and my identity was wrapped up in that. And then suddenly there I was, at home, with far less freedom, grown-up interaction and cerebral activity than I was used to (and sleep or breathing space for that matter), utterly consumed with the minutiae of looking after small people (just ask my husband about my control freak tendencies).
Now, you can probably tell I do not subscribe to the picture-perfect happy skippy version of motherhood. But neither do I like to be doom and gloom. I am a higgeldy piggeldy mixture of inbetween. Good days, so-so days, frazzled days. Days when I look at my kids and feel like I could burst with love. Days when I would gladly run off and join the circus.
And when I started coaching again (three years into my parenting rollercoaster) it was wonderful and frustrating that, although I intuitively knew how to help other people re-find their identity and be PROUD of who they are NOW, I was still baffled as to how to do that for myself.
The kids were a bit older, so why did I still feel lost? Why wasn't I feeling more glued together now that my girls were walking, talking and could independently watch 'Hey Duggee' while I had a shower? After all, I was being bombarded with pictures of glossy mums in magazines looking fabulous while running mega-businesses and competing in triathlons. And surely all the mums I knew were doing much better than me, they looked sorted...so what was my problem?
But when I dug a little deeper (and gave myself a flipping break) I found out that all my mum friends were similarly discombobulated. And many of them were grieving for the person they were before they were hounded for snacks every five seconds.
With a new determination to feel better and pass on my pearls of wisdom, I tried even harder to put the jigsaw of me back together. If I found exactly the right career, that would be the key yeah? Or would slimming down and being able to fit into the clothes gathering dust in my wardrobe help me feel more like me? What was the blooming answer!
I went round in circles, dipping lower and lower. But do you know what helped me most of all in the end? I stopped being a ginormous hypocrite and practised what I preach. I hired my own coach to help me untangle my head and work my way back to a strong sense of self, purpose and pride in all things Jen again.
I'd tried damn hard to do it on my own – after all, I knew the theory eh – but I was getting nowhere. I really needed someone to hold my hand and give me a kick up the bum at the same time. Thankfully metaphorically not physically!
I've learnt to rediscover what makes me ‘ME’ and how to let outdated ideas about myself go. It’s a grieving and rebirth process all in one.
And I'm now excited again about showing the world what I've got, trying new things and making myself stronger and stronger. Both in my mind and body (I still have T-Rex arms after Bodypump the other day, something I never would have had the guts to do two years ago).
So I just wanted to say – if you are a mum and you’re wondering when or how on earth you will get your confidence, identity or clarity of thought back, you are not alone.
You also don’t have to wait until the kids are older (I hear that a lot). You certainly don't have to wait until they leave home! Choose to take life by the short and curlies and feel better NOW. Feel better TODAY.
Is it time you had a good chat with the new/old you? Took some ‘me time’ to clear out the cotton wool in your head and work out what you want and need – and how to get it? Most importantly, would you like to rediscover just how flippin’ brilliant you are? Get in touch and I can help you be YOU and Mum all at the same time.
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